Interesting things happen to me all the time. Sometimes by my own design and sometimes by chance. For instance, people are always asking me random questions. I was once asked by a drive -thru Starbukcs barista if I had ever been to the titty bar they shared the parking lot with. I could understand being asked the question if it was night, if I was scantily dressed, if I was drunk or at the very least if I had a club stamp or bracelet of some type on. But it was in the middle of the day, I was dressed in a suit and I just finished telling him that my abnormally large order was for a client I had in town for a photoshoot at my office down the street. In fact just yesterday a co-worker of mine came up to me and asked if I like Pink Floyd. When I said I did, he said, "Yeah you look like someone who likes Pink Floyd." and walked away. What the fuck? What the fuck does that mean? Is that a good or a bad thing?!? Besides how does one look like they like Pink Floyd?? I'd rather blog about things of that nature. Or about how I've had several people tell me that they think I should write a book. A book about what? Me?!? About how Tiltingsuds was one of those people. About how he was amused when I told him that there isn't anything about me that could ever be found interesting enough for anyone to want to read. Only to follow up that statment with a story about how I was still legally married but thought I was divorced for 3 years. THAT is a much more entertaining story. Stories like that is why I have a handful of people following me. Not because I tell stories about FF.
I wonder how I'm capable of loving someone that is literally kryptonite to me. Before I met FF I used to think I was a phenomenal catch and being single was a choice. So many men told me girls like me aren't made everyday. How the man that caught me, was an extremely lucky man. So how does a lifetime of me really believing I'm the shit suddenly end? How can the one man I love completely break me down? How could I have let him rob me of everything...of all of life's simple joys. Even eating.
Tonight his dad called. His dad said he had just made lamb and FF just had to try it. FF put a frozen lasagna in the oven and came in to tell me he was going to his dad's. He asked if I wanted to go and I said no. I had just finished telling him that I didn't run the errands I needed to because I didn't feel like leaving the house. We all have days like that. Today was mine. FF then made the decision to go to his dads house and leave me at his house. FF called his daughter about 30 minutes later to tell her to take out the lasagna so she could eat. He leaves me at his house to eat a frozen lasagna alone. What happened to this change he spoke of? I know there are people out there that are wondering why I just didn't go with him to his dad's house. Good question. Here's the thing, just last night I talked to him about what I needed. A man who was ready to start a life with me. A man who, like me, is tired of depending on his family and always playing the third wheel. Like always, he said he wanted the same and understood. So again I find myself hurt and disappointed. And angry with myself for being foolish and wondering if I'm a desperate woman. Wondering how I've allowed the one thing I've never allowed myself to be, a victim.
When Superman was presented with kryptonite he was affected by physical pain and everything that made him special...made him who he is was stripped. He ran from the stuff. Why can't I?